Technology Trauma

I believe in the Karma of Technology: that when gigabytes, DPI’s. and output devices align in a certain pattern, the result is chaos.

This morning was such an alignment.  I was printing my monthly payroll report.  The paper jammed.   Not just one piece, mind you.  Twenty sheets of paper decided to enter my printer at the same time.   Me first! No! ME!  They all jammed into the printer and refused to come out.  I coaxed them.  Non verbally with my fat fingers.  They refused to budge.   I promised them amnesty.  No response.   I tugged, I pulled, I cursed.    Nothing.  All I got out of that printer was the simple yellow yield sign with an exclamation mark blinking obtusely in my face.

I know the drill.   This has happened to me before.   I unplugged, disconnected, turned the darn thing upside down while keeping all points of entry open and “gently pulled the sheets of paper out of the printer”.   Gently.   Twenty sheets of paper (the cheap stuff, ok?) were tightly wrapped around that thing inside of my printer which is just out of my reach because I have short stubby fingers which are also arthritic and don’t grip as well as they used to.  I could not get a hold of it.  I locate my eyebrow tweezers.  This will work.  It doesn’t.  I find my tiny pair of pliers and twist until it has a grip.   No luck.  I am fingering my box cutter.   No.  Don’t do it.   I gently put the box cutter back into the junk drawer.

Then I take the sharp point of the eyebrow tweezer and “gently”  run it down the paper, slicing ever so carefully through a sheet or two of paper.   It shreds and tears and I am able to pull out bits and pieces and bits and pieces and more bits and pieces.  Repeat, slice, shred, tear, pull.   Yep, this is working.  It’s slow but I have vowed not to go into my usual tirade of hammering and pounding and shaking.   The printer is not that old; just old enough for the warranty to have expired.  It takes awhile, but finally the paper is cleared.  The remainder of my office looks like a box of  shredded wheat has exploded. but  the paper jam has been removed from the printer.  I dust it off, plug it back in and very carefully insert more paper.  This time I thumb the edges of the paper like you do a deck of cards so they don’t all decide to enter my printer at the same time.

Payroll reports now printed.

Now its time to fax a copy of our subcontractor’s agreement to our insurance company.  Print.   Insert into fax.  Dial.  Press Start.

Paper jam.

Really?  This one is a little easier to fix, since there is just one sheet.  I try again.  I hear that screechingly annoying fax tone and hit start again.   The display says…. Receive.  No!  I am sending, not receiving.  Why is this happening to me!  It’s not even a full moon.  I try again.  Same results.  I change the settings to FAX ONLY.  This time it works.  Sigh.

However 20 minutes later when I call the insurance office to see if they received it ok and if they have any questions, I am told it hasn’t arrived.  After much conversation I am transferred to another person in the office who already took the document out of the machine and delivered it to the correct person.   Thank goodness.  Someone is doing their job!   I hang up and continue with my paperwork.

The phone rings, I check the caller ID.  It’s the call I have been waiting for.  I answer the phone to the screechingly annoying fax tone.   I have forgotten to return the phone/fax machine to the normal settings.   I hang up.  Dial the caller I was waiting for.  No answer.

The rest of the morning is spent attempting to sign up for an online course using Chrome when I should have been using Internet Explorer, changing the ink in my printer…. seriously.. it ran out shortly after the paper jam, and trying unsuccessfully to download a document I had saved online.

It was definitely a bad karma day for me.

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